Humility
Hello! My name is Catherine and I am a recovering codependent.
Codependency is an acquired mental health disorder, based on social conditioning and upbringing.
At its core, codependency means that I don’t didn’t love myself. I was taught not to. Instead I was taught that to give of myself to others made me a good person, and keeping myself to myself made me a bad person.
I was taught that self-love is shameful; by people who themselves had been shamed not to love themselves.
I’ve had enough. By not loving myself I have treated myself and others badly. No more.
I now practice self-love.
Humility
A couple of weeks ago I challenged myself to take on a service role in an online meeting for recovering codependents that I attend. The meeting happens every day via Zoom. I volunteered to host the Tuesday meeting each week, a role which involves reading the script and unmuting people to speak. And then I volunteered to occasionally do screen shares, sharing my screen so that the host could read the script. Soon after, I volunteered to occasionally do media sharing for the meditation and journal timer, which involves finding meditation and timer videos and screen-sharing them during the meeting.
I started getting co-hosted on days which I hadn’t volunteered to serve on and given service roles. My name started appearing on the service roster to serve on days that I hadn’t volunteered to serve. One day, with very little notice, I was given all the meeting’s online passwords and I opened the Zoom room myself, accessed the meeting’s Google account for documents to share and I ran the whole show by myself. And then because I had these magical passwords I started being asked to open the room and manage everything, at the last minute, on other days.
All of this happened over the course of about three weeks. I felt overwhelmed. I’m still too fresh for this, I thought, I’ve only been in this fellowship a couple of weeks. I don’t want all of this responsibility for others. I’m only just learning how to be responsible for myself.
I’m expecting myself to grow up too fast, to take on responsibilities that are beyond my current level of maturity and ability.
This feels like my family of origin.
I didn’t feel safe. I was becoming emotionally enmeshed with others in the service team. I felt separated from my fellows by being part of the service team. I believed I had to care for others before I cared for myself. I worried about how others in the meeting perceived me. I suspected a male fellow of flirting with me. I suspected a female fellow of envying me. I started judging my fellows, putting them either above myself or beneath myself, but rarely beside myself as an equal. I was making up stuff that I believed was going on inside other people’s heads instead of acknowledging the fact that I have absolutely no idea what other people are thinking.
I was thinking of the meeting and the service team and the participants all the time. I believed I had special value to add to the meeting, that few others could do the stuff I was doing, say the things I was saying. I mourned my lack of boundaries. I felt upset with myself for believing that I had to give so much of myself in return for fellowship that is in fact; freely given. I felt annoyed at myself for not setting limits to my generosity and thereby allowing and encouraging others to have expectations of my generosity. I felt pissed at myself for not recognising sooner that I was behaving codependently by giving too much of myself and agreeing to take on extra work, all to keep another’s ship afloat instead of saying no and possibly letting it sink.
I was full of self-doubt, anxiety and resentment. I hated myself for not viewing others as equals. I felt shame about my codependency and started believing the situation was evidence that I’m unable to change. I recognised that I didn’t feel safe from my own codependency and I saw how I was projecting this feeling of insecurity on to others.
I realised I’d gotten myself into a pickle.
When I am acting codependently
I am especially good
at getting myself
into pickles.
Grandiosity
Fuckwad. The genius writers of the children’s film Shrek called the bad guy Fuckwad and hardly anyone noticed. Lord Farquaad is an embodiment of grandiosity. Everything about this character screams of narcissism and egomania.
I’m blessed to not suffer from grandiosity to the degree that Fuckwad did in the film, but it is a trait that I have come to possess.
I’m not a psychologist, nor am I God, so I can’t speak to how or why I came to have this trait. Maybe how and why is less important than owning it and working with my higher power and my therapist to do something about it.
I’m going to list some of the grandiose perceptions and beliefs I have and have had in the past. This list is incomplete. I’m sure there are many more that I’m unable to ‘fess up to at this point in time due to the shame I feel around having the trait of grandiosity in the first place. I’ll do my best, though.
Here goes…
The grandiosity that I have experienced came/comes in the form of these perceptions of myself and the world:
I am special and unique, a snowflake like no other.
I have extraordinary, individual-to-me talents. Others just don’t compare.
I am above-average.
I have extraordinary, unique values to offer that no-one else has.
I’m perfect as I am.
The world owes me love and respect.
It’s okay for me to control others who aren’t in control of themselves - they need me to do this service for them.
I embody social ideals and therefore should be idealised.
My value is greater than other people’s value.
Others need me.
Men WANT me, women want to BE me.
I am captivating.
I am magical.
I know what others are thinking and feeling without them telling me.
Others are more focused on me than on themselves.
My capacity for forgiveness is practically divine.
Situations revolve around me. I’m central to other people’s inner worlds.
My point of view is especially respectable and admirable.
I am gifted with intuitive abilities beyond those of others. I’m practically psychic.
I have superior insight into the nature of all things.
I have superior intellect.
I deserve more attention than others do.
My actions and behaviours are above reproach.
Others owe me their time and attention.
I’m allowed to hold others to different standards from the standards I hold myself to, but others are only allowed to hold me to my own standards of myself.
My way is best.
I’m entitled to getting attention from people I’m in relationships with, whenever I want it.
Other people’s inner worlds are not as rich and complex as my own.
I’m extraordinary.
People should feel grateful to be in my life.
I deserve sympathy and empathy from others.
I am selfless, super-generous and altruistic and that makes me wonderful.
I belong in the top percentile.
I am super-human.
Worthlessness
All this time I haven’t known why Dobby from the Harry Potter films used to make me cringe so hard. I mean I had a visceral reaction to this character the first time I watched him, something like 20 years ago. My guts got all twisted and twitchy and I had to look away whenever he came on screen. I felt revulsion, repugnance, anger and shame to watch this entirely fictional character on a screen.
I understand now that I had such a strong reaction to Dobby when I first saw him because I saw myself in him. I saw my own sense of worthlessness mirrored in him.
I’m blessed. I’m blessed to be Catherine, not Dobby. I’m blessed to have an evolving, transforming personality instead of a static set of traits assigned to me by human writers.
Owning my perceptions of myself as worthless is a liitle easier for me to do than owning my grandiosity. This is probably because I’ve viewed myself as a victim all my life and I’ve really ruminated on these perceptions of myself as worthless. Some of them, like “I make everything worse for everybody by just existing” and “I am cursed and a curse upon others. My existence is a curse on the world” are practically tattooed on the inside of my mouth. I’ve chewed on them so obsessively that they’re like day-old chewing gum: bland, textureless and disgusting.
The following list is also incomplete for reasons of shame. I’m doing my best, though, and I need to keep reminding myself; my best is good enough. There is no such thing as perfect.
My beliefs about myself as worthless are as follows:
I am unlovable.
I don’t deserve healthy relationships.
I’m arrogant to believe that others might like me for me.
I have nothing to offer.
I’m stupid, incapable and immature and I always will be.
Everybody hates me and thinks I’m worthless and they’re right; I am worthless and hateable.
I am unforgivably flawed and imperfect.
I am unforgivable.
I make everything worse for everybody by just existing.
I am monstrous.
I am A Problem and The Problem. I represent all that’s wrong with the world.
I’m a victim.
There is no hope for me. I am hopeless.
I am incapable of change.
How can God love me if other people can’t? How can I?
I am helpless and I need others to look after me.
I am less than others, in every way. Everybody else is better than me.
Insults from others reveal MY truth, not theirs. I should be grateful to them for showing me my truth.
I deserve to be shamed and blamed.
I am responsible for others’ bad behaviours.
I give others credit for my worthy actions and ideas.
I’m not worthy of recognition or praise.
I am responsible for other people treating me badly. I make them do it.
I bring out the worst in others.
I’m a bad influence.
Compliments and encouragement from others are all lies.
It’s my fault that others have low feelings about themselves.
I am untrustworthy.
I must serve others in all things. I may not serve myself. Altruism over self-love, always.
I am not worthy of equal treatment.
I am suspect.
I’m the only person in the world who doesn’t have their shit together.
I deserve to be alone.
I’m unlucky.
I don’t belong here.
I might as well be dead.
I have to protect my authentic self with fake niceness because my authentic self is weak, useless, helpless and worthless. I have to play suck-up in order for others to refrain from treating me as I deserve - unkindly.
I am not loving, lovable or loved and I can never and will never be so.
I’m responsible for other people’s bad feelings.
I am irresponsible, unreasonable, irrational and illogical. I never make any sense.
My body is a sex toy that exists for others’ pleasure, not my own.
I’m a mistake.
I’m a born fuck-up. I am fated to always be a fuck-up.
I am cursed and a curse upon others. My existence is a curse on the world.
Setting boundaries means I am cold, cruel, heartless and unkind. I am not allowed to have boundaries.
I am not worthy of being somebody’s Beloved.
Intermission
Fwah, I need a moment to breathe….
Maybe you do too.
Here’s a song to keep us company:
Thank you Faye.
Humility
I’ve had a crush on this amazing guy for decades. Samwise Gamgee from The Lord of the Rings is, in my opinion, the most interesting and inspirational of all of the LOTR characters.
Until recently, I couldn’t have said exactly what it was about Tolkein’s character that inspired such affection in me. Learning about myself and what values I want to nurture in myself is revealing why I admire Sam so much. I see values in his character that I myself want to own and exhibit, in addition to others. No written character - and in fact, no other person - can ever own the exact same set of values that I want to embody¹, but Gamgee owns many of them and so when I am observing him in text or in video I want to see more of myself in him.
I aspire to embody the values that I see in him. I want to feel a sense of familiarity with him, a connection with the values he upholds. He is gentle and compassionate with himself and he is accepting of his limitations. His courageous humility sees him through the anxiety, stress and self-doubt he encounters along his path. I empathise with his striving to be true to himself.
My struggles with self-esteem have prevented me from fully practicing the values I list below. I haven’t allowed myself to practice these values because I was swinging between over-valuing myself and under-valuing myself.
Allowing myself to practice humility allows me to value myself as I truly am - blessedly normal, ordinary and equal. Practicing humility is the key to unlocking the private garden of authenticity within myself. In this garden I can nurture and grow these values and learn to embody them.
These are values that I see in Sam
that I want to bring to the table
in my relationship with myself and others:
Humility
Honesty
Integrity
Courage
Faith
Acceptance
Love
Self-worth
Honour
Playfulness
Authenticity
Optimism
Compassion
Gratitude
Hope
Enjoyment
Sam’s quiet faith in himself is the light that he carries when walking through the darkness of his fears. It’s this lightness of self that reveals the beauty that lies within the dark places within him; hope and love.
I’ve always perceived him as choosing the value of authenticity over the social ideal of acceptance. He doesn’t always get it right, but he really does make a valiant effort to live his values, even under great stress.
He practices being true to himself, forgives himself when he fails in that aspiration and chooses to do it differently the next time around.
He is willing to change.
I admire that.
Choices: Values or Ideals
¹ The word “embody” has an extra level of meaning to me because I understand it as describing the act of taking a value and making it real; bringing it into the real world through my body. Embodying “courage”, for example, actually changes my physical experience. When I am practicing courage, I feel buoyant, energetic, alert, light, quick, strong and laughter. My mind is clear, I am connected with my spirit and my serenity flame doesn’t need much tending from me because my connection with my higher power allows my higher power to nourish it for me.
When I am practicing an ideal, such as people pleasing, I’m stuck in my head and I’m analysing the situation and the people I’m interacting with. I’m designing and controlling my behaviours, actions and words. I’m behaving in ways that please others but don’t honour myself. I’m protecting myself from others by manipulating them into treating me nicely. I’m not in touch with my body and by the time I do get in touch with my body; I find I’m experiencing anxiety, tension and hyper-vigilance.
When I am embodying a value, I am at ease.
I am in love.
When I am embodying an ideal, I am uneasy.
I am in fear.
Choosing Humility
I am learning what humility is. The word is not new to me, nor is the concept. On a cognitive level I understand what humility is, but embodying humility as a value is a new experience for me. By changing my perceptions of myself and practicing humility I am discovering that I don’t need to be so terrified of people any more. When I am practicing humility by practicing being equal with others, I recognise that very few people actually mean me any harm. The vast majority of people I encounter are disinterested me and are focused on themselves. I’m finding freedom in not attaching my ego to other people. I allow my spirit to connect, and I allow my ego to detach. I’m experiencing more peace this way than I ever have before.
My body is slowly discovering a new sensation - relaxation - because I am practicing a new value - self-trust.
I felt no shame while writing the list below. From the experience of writing these lists and feeling shame with the previous two lists but not the following list, I think I may be on to something. It may be that if I don’t feel shame about a perception, that perception exists in the realm of humility. I will take this idea and put it in my pocket and explore it further. My emotions; my body sensations, educate me about the effect my perceptions are having on my life.
Just like the previous two lists, the following list is incomplete. I am still learning.
To practice embodying humility, I am adopting these perceptions, beliefs and value statements:
I am equal with others.
I live and let live.
I allow myself to love and be loved by equal partners.
I am powerless. I am empowered only by being a conduit for The Divine Consciousness.
All chooses my path. I am able to choose only my experience of my path.
I surrender my desire to control.
I seek to align my will with that of The Divine Will in order to serve All.
My God comes first, then me, and then because I am filled with God’s bounty, I have plenty to share with others. My cup overfloweth.
I accept that only my higher power can heal me. No other person can heal me and I can’t heal myself.
None other than my higher power deserves to be my higher power.
I don’t make others my higher power nor do I allow myself to become someone else’s higher power.
I am special, but I am not unique.
I am blessedly, blissfully ordinary.
I am no different to others. We all bleed the same.
I am aware of how fortunate, blessed and lucky I am.
I am grateful to be alive, to be me, to be living this path.
My ego gets in the way sometimes and when I recognise that and surrender to All, I treat myself with compassion for being human.
I am not magical.
I let go and let God.
I welcome blessings and miracles.
I am just as lovable as every other person on this planet.
I don’t deserve anything more or less than others.
I don’t deserve anything better or worse than others.
I respect and honour the inner worlds of myself and others.
I encourage others without enabling or coddling them.
I have strong boundaries for both my sake and the sake of others.
I have no idea what goes on inside other people’s heads, just like other people have no idea what’s going on inside of mine.
I communicate in ways that honour and respect myself and others.
I behave in ways that honour and respect myself and others.
I think in ways that honour and respect myself and others.
I practice compassion without judgment.
Inner worlds are sacred and deserve to be treated with tenderness, gratitude, respect and love.
I take pleasure in simple things.
I practice joy and gratitude.
I accept healthy forms of love.
I express healthy forms of love.
I love and care for my body.
I am deserving of love and belonging.
I’m human.
Undoing the Damage
After speaking with my therapist about the pickle I’d gotten into by behaving codependently with the Zoom meeting, I was able to recognise that I was swinging between the two extremes of grandiosity and worthlessness.
It’s because of her passionate work with me that this blog post, with all of its raw honesty, was able to come into being through me. I’d been feeling resistant to surrendering myself to All as a writer because I wanted to protect myself from feeling vulnerable. It’s one of my most irritating codependency traits - defending myself from a danger that doesn’t exist. Writing from a place of vulnerability empowers me because it is the state in which I am surrendered to my higher power and my higher power is able to work through me. I have no power of my own. When I write from my human ego my writing’s crap and it does nothing for me. When I surrender and ask to write the words that will bring the most value into the world, I allow my writing to emerge through me and that kind of writing, this vulnerable, self-aware, self-owning writing does so much for me.
While in that resistant state I wanted to choose the subject and the words for my next post even though I know I’m at my best as a writer when I let go and let God. I couldn’t have said where my resistance was coming from without that therapy session and so I am grateful both for my therapist and for the therapy process.
I recognise now that the resistance I was feeling was shame. I didn’t want to do the work that All was bringing me - owning my grandiosity and worthlessness and my lack of humility - because I was ashamed of the disordered state of my ego. The work I was resisting doing most of all was owning the shame.
I own my shame.
I Celebrate My
Humanity and Humility.
My ego’s in a mess. I am healing, with the grace of my higher power, but it takes time. My ego is currently like a pendulum that swings wildly back and forth between grandiosity and worthlessness. Practicing humility will slow that pendulum until I’m just wobbling along pleasantly and humbly.
So. Mela.
I baked myself a humble pie and ate it. I pulled out of the service roles. Now I volunteer to read occasionally or time-keep in the various meetings I go to, but I’m not taking any long-term roles or roles that give me power. My ego just can’t handle that at the moment. Practicing boundaries with myself about not seeking validation through serving and not over-giving is humbling. I share as much of myself as I am willing to, and I practice saying, “no” when I recognise that more is being asked of me than I am able to healthily give.
I believe that it is only by practicing humility and connecting with my higher power that I can bring my self into true serenity: a true state of equilibrium, worthiness and blissful surrender.
I believe that practicing humility is healing me.
I want to embody humility.
I give this over to my higher power with faith that
All is available to me, All loves me and
All will guide my hand in bringing my wishes into being.
I surrender my desire to control.
I surrender myself completely and allow myself to be receptive of All’s Will and All’s Love.
I am blissfully, gratefully powerless.
I welcome blessings and miracles.
Thank you All.
I love you.
