Blessings and Miracles
Hello! My name is Catherine and I am a recovering codependent.
Codependency is an acquired mental health disorder, based on social conditioning and upbringing.
At its core, codependency means that I don’t didn’t love myself. I was taught not to. Instead I was taught that to give of myself to others made me a good person, and keeping myself to myself made me a bad person.
I was taught that self-love is shameful; by people who themselves had been shamed not to love themselves.
I’ve had enough. By not loving myself I have treated myself and others badly. No more.
I now practice self-love.
Blessings and Miracles
This morning I walked up the hill to look for a muff. I decided to cross the road before the secondary school and as I started to cross, an SUV piloted by a scowling Karen leapt towards me over the hill like a guard dog leaping to bite me. She sped up even more when she spotted me. As I literally ran for my life, I saw that her scowl had turned into a grin.
“Gosh!” I said to myself when she’d passed and I was safe once more, “Some people are scary! It’s no wonder I have a fear of people!”
After a few steps I then followed it up with, also out loud, “Please, All, send me blessings and miracles; I want to have more trustworthy people in my life, Insha’Allah.”
Distracting Details
I recently asked my higher power for a specific outcome while also stating that I would be content with whatever outcome All wished to bless me with. I knew that I would be okay no matter the outcome, and that if I didn’t get what I wanted, I would gain value from the experience in many other ways. I was aware that this was a learning experience and so I asked to gain wisdom through the experience, regardless of the outcome.
I didn’t get the outcome that I wanted.
I reviewed my ask and recognised that due to factors outside of my control (i.e outside of myself); I had been highly unlikely to get what I wanted anyway. At least not while maintaining my integrity as a recovering codependent by not manipulating others with my people-pleasing skills. The trouble with manipulation is that not only am I dishonouring myself and others - it sets a precedent, an expectation in myself and others that I will manipulate - in this case people-please - again in a similar situation in the future. I’m learning that I teach others how to treat me through my own behaviours and in this case I didn’t want to create the expectation that I will prostitute myself by giving ego-wanks in return for favours. I could have gotten what I wanted if I’d been willing to play suck-up, but I chose not to do that, because I now honour myself. I choose how I show up for myself in the world.
I’ve been practicing surrendering my desire to control outcomes, situations and people, hence the included statement that I’d accept and be content with any outcome. So, having acknowledged that what I’d asked for had been unlikely to occur without me attempting to control the outcome, and having acknowledged that I hadn’t gotten what I wanted and having accepted that result without attempting to change this reality; I’d thought that was that - I’d learned all the lessons that could be learned. And then my Being - borrowing from a recent meeting with my therapist - stepped up and whispered in my ear, Yes, and?
Ooh! Is there more? I responded eagerly.
Here you go, said She.
My perspective on the situation zoomed out. I could see the bigger picture.
I could see how asking for specifics was still me playing God by trying to control outcomes. That was still me thinking erroneously that I have any power to control.
I could see how my doubt and lack of trust in my higher power was hindering my ability to willingly surrender and gratefully accept blessings and miracles.
I understood that asking for my wants and needs to be met and being willing to accept blessings and miracles into my life was a way of working with the Divine Will in the role I’ve been given to play in the Divine Plan.
My God wants me to be happy.
Thank you God for teaching me how:
I want to be
safe, happy and accepted.
I want to belong.
I hand this over to my higher power in the faith that
All provides,
All is available to me and
All guides my hand.
I allow All to work in me, on me, with me and through me.
I surrender my desire to control and
I welcome blessings and miracles.
Amen.
The Big Picture
I couldn’t find an existing religion that fit my fascination with the link I perceive between consciousness and the physical world so I made up my own. It’s based in panpsychism and the theory of emergence.
Basically, I believe that my higher power, who I call All, is the Divine Will that not only governs the universe and all that’s in it; I believe the Divine Will is the universe and all that’s in it. Physical matter is made of the Divine Will. The universe is God’s body.
Emergence theory states that systems cluster together to form greater systems that cluster together to form greater systems that cluster together to form greater systems and that all of this systems-creating behaviour creates momentum which allows an unexpected, completely novel system to emerge through and from these synchronised systems.
I refer to my consciousness as my Being. My Being came into being like this; Divine Will clustered to form forces which clustered to form atoms which clustered to form molecules which clustered to form cells which clustered to form my body and all of this systems-creating behaviour created the momentum which allowed an entirely novel system - a spark of fresh consciousness - to emerge: my Being.
So when I say that I am a child of God, I mean that literally.
I am born out of and made of Divine Consciousness.
I believe that we all are.
We are The Divine Consciousness imagining themself, willing themself into being.
People cluster to form groups, groups cluster to form communities, communities cluster to form societies, societies cluster to form collective consciousness and all of this systems-creating behaviour creates the momentum which is allowing the noosphere to emerge. We’re an important part of our planet’s self-actualisation. We exist not just because of our planet. We exist for our planet.
And we have the honour to be a minuscule and yet vitally important part of the the Divine Consciousness self-actualizing.
Our existence is not just of God and because of God.
We exist for God, with God and IN God.
One of the original proponents of the idea of the noosphere, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, also posited the idea that God’s self-actualisation will result in the universe reaching it’s full potential, The Omega Point.
I have fun thinking that maybe the Omega Point and The Big Bang are the same thing.
Self-Actualisation
Something like two months back I got it into my head that I would make an attempt at drawing and painting a photorealistic duckling as a way of practicing realistic thoughts and behaviours like patience and problem-solving. I wrestled with methods to draw the duckling’s proportions without just winging it. I asked my higher power to give me guidance on the matter. Show me what to do, I asked, Please send me guidance.
I made a cup of tea and went back to the drawing board, literally, and continued my wrestling match. My ruler was too short. I went out and harrassed patronised three local stationery stores and came up with a set square in place of the extra-length ruler I’d wanted but didn’t have the patience to order online and wait for.
I think there was a lot of I am not worth the wait going on in my head. Already my desire to practice patience was fading.
After two whoopsies, I eventually produced a hand-drawn grid paper that I placed under the drawing paper on my light table. This way I could see a grid shining through the page without ever having to draw a grid on the surface of the page. Genius! Except that it’s a little off-center and it’s on watercolour paper. I didn’t take the time to consider using a thinner sheet of paper, and I didn’t take the time to make a new grid that’s not off-center on a thinner piece of paper. I was still labouring under the belief that I am not worth the effort.
I’ve lived all my life with the belief that I am not worth God’s effort. Already my willingness to give my problems over to God was fading.
Nevertheless, I was pleased to be making progress. I again asked my higher power for guidance and I turned my hand to wrestling with Photopea to give my reference image a grid that would correspond to the size of my paper. I created a usable workaround. Sort of. The resulting reference image had lost some quality, and it had been a fairly poor image to begin with. It’s fine, I’d told myself, It’s all part of the learning experience. I’ll get a better image next time, I just don’t know yet if I’ll enjoy practicing realism art so I don’t want to fork out for an expensive reference.
Not worth the effort. Not worth the wait. Not worth the COST.
All of this wrestling was tiring and frustrating and I suffered a loss of enthusiasm for the project. I suspected I would struggle to create a visually-appealing result with my poor reference image but I’d become emotionally attached to that particular image and became unwilling to start afresh. I sulked about it all and questioned if my higher power had abandoned me. Was this not the inspiration I’d received? I’d felt a glowing, pulsing sphere of fuck yeah in my torso about making this ducky. Where’d it go?
Not worth the effort. Not worth the wait. Not worth the cost. Not worthy of love and hope.
A few days later a video appeared in my YouTube subscriptions with elegant, well thought-out, step-by-step instructions for using a grid to create a photorealistic drawing, how to set it up in Photoshop (same-same as Photopea just not online) and even an example of someone without much drawing experience using this method to make a valiant attempt at realism drawing.
I laughed. Many times. Out loud.
I laughed in the shower. I laughed on the street. I laughed at the gym. I laughed while ringing up my items at the self check-out. I laughed while working on Lucky Ducky. I laughed and laughed and laughed at myself. Learning is fun...
From that experience I learned;
Ask for what I want and need and then hand it over and have faith that the blessings and miracles will come, because
I am worthy
of
blessings and miracles
Take it easy on yourself, Cath. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own.
Hand it over and be patient.
All will provide.
I want to bring value into the world.
I want to self-actualise
through self-love
and I want to inspire others.
I hand this over to my higher power in the faith that
All will provide, All is available to me and
All will guide my hand to bring my wishes into being.
I allow All to work in me, on me, with me and through me.
I surrender my desire to control and
I welcome blessings and miracles.
