The Power of Love
Hi, my name is Catherine and I am a recovering codependent.
Codependency is an acquired mental health disorder, based on social conditioning and upbringing.
At its core, codependency means that I don’t didn’t love myself. I was not taught to love myself. Instead I was taught that to give all of myself to others made me a good person, and keeping myself to myself made me a bad person.
I was taught that self-love is shameful; by people who themselves had been shamed into not loving themselves by their own social conditioning and upbringing.
I’ve had enough. By not loving myself I have treated myself and others badly.
No more.
I now practice self-love.
The Power of Love
I was standing chopping vegetables and feeling a little anxious so I stopped chopping, turned to face Big Jesus on his little volcano on the other end of Gozo island, spread my feet shoulder width apart, put my hands on my hips, relaxed my shoulders back and said aloud, “I am loving. I am lovable. I am loved.”
A response came back from the Universe. I felt it in every cell of my body. It was:
I am powerfully loving.
I am powerfully lovable.
I am powerfully loved.
So that’s what I continued to repeat while practicing the power pose. I could see in my life how powerfully loved I am indeed… By the powerfully loving people whose social support created the system that is bringing me home. By the powerfully loving Universe who gives me countless blessings that I get to enjoy in my every moment. By my powerfully loving self; the beautiful, mad, wonderful and wondrous woman that I am.
After about 3 minutes of this, I turned back to my chopping board and continue to chop my vegetables while an epiphany slowly seeped into my consciousness. I’d only ever tried to control people because I was afraid of them. Suddenly it dawned on me that all of the people from my past who tried to control me were afraid of me. Of me. I mean, whoulda thought I could be perceived as fearsome?
And then I realised that the more controlling I’d been of a person, the more afraid of them I’d been. And then I realised the reverse was true too; the more controlling a person had been of me, the more afraid of me they had been.
Huh. Go figure.
Because love is not the only force that is powerful. Fear is powerful too.
Both are values, because both are forces that can be utilised to affect change and that’s what values are. Both the value of love and the value of fear are powerful as transformative tools. It’s who I am that dictates which of these tools I decide to use, as well as how I choose to use them and who I choose to bestow either of them upon.
And who I am is dictated by who I choose to be in every beautiful, blessed moment…
I choose to be powerfully loving.
I choose to be powerfully lovable.
I choose to be powerfully loved.
I welcome the avalanche
of blessings and miracles
that this next level of surrender in myself
will certainly create.
Time
I wrote the previous chapter after having that epiphany, interrupting my cooking process.
“I don’t have time for this,” I told Being as I sat, while thinking of the fact that all my remaining belongings were scattered about the house, in various stages of their journey to the queen size bed in my apartment’s back room, where I am hoping to gather everything that I want to take with me to Cape Town and then decide what would go in which luggage and the two remaining shipping boxes that I’m allowing myself; a task I’d hoped to complete today.
Write said Being in response, and so I wrote. And then I finished my chopping and greasing and seasoning and popped my baking trays into the oven, all while a second epiphany blossomed…
For the past week I’ve had this IBS-inducing level of worry that I might not get all my tasks done in time for my flight on the 20th April. I’ve been doing all I can to settle myself, to reassure myself, to nurture and love and be kind to myself. I’ve been doing a good job of keeping on keeping on and I’m proud of myself for how lovingly I have been treating myself while also being screamingly busy with my various arrangements.
I was massaging coconut oil into my apples and sweet potatoes when I realised that I had no idea what anxiety actually is. I’m intimately familiar with all of the sensations of anxiety and how anxiety shows up in my body. I’m even aware of the mechanisms of thinking that create anxiety in my system in the first place. But I have had no idea, all these years, what my anxiety is for - what purpose it actually serves in my life. I had no clue why anxiety even is.
And so I asked Being. She’s good at these kinds of puzzles.
She responded immediately; Anxiety is jealousy of the future. What do you have in this moment that you’re afraid you won’t have in the future? It usually comes down to something that makes you feel safe in this moment and you’re afraid you won’t have that something in the future. Examine your safety-attachments to Others; people, places, situations and things.
I put honey, cinnamon and salt on my apples and sweet potatoes, put them in the oven with a 20min timer and sat down to write this out.
I have friends. I live in a safe area. I have a safe living environment. I have a sizable income. I’m seen and heard among my fellows in my recovery program. I have access to medical assistance. I have access to food and enjoyable past-times.
My timer just beeped.
I have many blessings in my present situation that I’m afraid won’t be replicated in my future.
Simple as that.
Surrender
I now have about 70% of what I want to take with on the queen size bed. I did that work while my oven worked for me and cooked my food.
On January 4th 2024 I sat on my penthouse balcony with my laptop and poured out a blog post full of affirmations for this year. I had no idea that what I was actually doing was giving a gift to my future self, my current self. After booking my flights in late march for April 20th it dawned on me that I would have a very special form of love and support in my last month in this country - my own. I realised that I would have just enough affirmations to get me through my last days on Gozo and even a couple of days after I arrive in Cape Town. From the first of April to the twenty-fifth of April I would have a daily affirmation to support my process that day.
What a blessing!
And it’s turning out that each day brings me an affirmation that is perfectly suited to my needs for that day. On the day that I wrote 24 for 24, I was so anxious. I realise now that I was afraid for my future self, on a deeper level that is unhindered by the construct of time, and so I was channelling the anxiety I’ve been feeling so far this month, in April, and feeling it back then in January. It also explains why I felt terribly uncomfortable at times while writing that post, a discomfort that only settled after I re-ordered the affirmations. Once I’d connected that past self with my present self I was adapting the post to my changing needs. I was aligning the affirmations according to my path.
It was a labour of love that emerged from every part of myself responding to the needs of those parts of myself in the future, in this month. I believe this is my spirit working through me, for me and with me. This is my self-love at work. My love for my past selves, my present self and my future selves - in every dimension, in every moment.
Sounds wack? Yeah, well, I think so too. I spend my days wondering if I’m completely bonkers and then deciding that like; actually I’m okay with that and then finally reaching the conclusion that losing my mind is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I enjoy just being a little mad and accepting myself as being so. It’s all mystical and magical and thoroughly uncomfortable and I enjoy myself immensely.
Anyway, today’s affirmation was the following:
Thank you God. I needed that reminder today. Thank you, past self.
I’d forgotten, recently, the magic that occurs in my life when I surrender, and so today I have been practicing that most magical value. I frikkin’ LOVE blessings and miracles and beautiful synchronicities that reveal God’s presence in the world…
Acceptance
Okay so now I’ve edited the previous chapters while snacking on my roasty toasty caramelised fruit and veg and I’ve decided to just let this blog post come out. I did this to myself, you know. I’ve felt this blog post brewing in me for weeks now. Occasionally I’ve found a moment in my busy day to surrender my will to All and say, “I accept that if there’s a blog post that needs writing before I leave I will write it. May it be as quick and easy to read as it will hopefully be to write. I allow it to come when it comes.” And then I’d go back to feeling terribly overwhelmed by all the things I need to do in order to get from here to there; a fearful choice, based in a fear of loss of control over my future situation in Cape Town, including a fear of returning to codependent behaviours and thereby losing all of the recovery gains I’ve achieved…
Writing on my blog isn’t something that I can set aside time for. I don’t write as a hobby or a job or even for the enjoyment of it. I started blogging because it was on my path and I just kind of… stumbled into it. One day about a year ago I started writing and I’m still doing it. That’s all there is to it. I am to write and so I write.
I’ve previously described my experience with writing here on my blog. If I start writing too soon, all that happens is I make a fun old mess without any real sense to it. If I hold myself back from writing I end up being a fun old mess without any real sense to me. I realised this morning after reading my daily affirmation that I’d been resisting writing this blog post and that was part of my anxiety. I knew on that deeper level I mentioned before, the one that time has no grip on, that in the potential futures in which I move back home to Cape Town without writing this post I struggle madly with myself. Thoughts about maybe writing while in Istanbul on a layover between here and there sidetracked my focus. My ego got real chatty with, “Let’s call it L.O.V.E like the acronym Let Others Voluntarily Evolve,” to which Being would respond, It’ll come at the end of the post, like always. We’ve already learned not to control the process by naming the post at the start. Focus on this moment’s work for now.
By this morning I was frustrated with myself, my situation and my higher power. I CRAVED the catharsis of writing; the blessed relief I feel afterwards. In the chaos of my present life I couldn’t find purchase on my authentic self and without my true self as my anchor I felt lost, adrift in an unfamiliar sea with nothing but empty horizons in all directions.
I’m back now.
My past self left a beautiful gift for me; a beautiful reminder to let go and let God. I don’t need to worry about the future because my higher power loves me powerfully.
I know this because the Divine Consciousness is expressing the power of their Divine Love for me in every aspect of my life.
I am being powerfully loving.
I am being powerfully lovable.
I am being powerfully LOVED.
Masha’Allah but I am so blessed…
