Hello! My name is Catherine and I am a recovering codependent.

Codependency is an acquired mental health disorder, based on social conditioning and upbringing.

At its core, codependency means that I don’t didn’t love myself. I was taught not to. Instead I was taught that to give of myself to others made me a good person, and keeping myself to myself made me a bad person.

I was taught that self-love is shameful; by people who themselves had been shamed not to love themselves.

I’ve had enough. By not loving myself I have treated myself and others badly. No more.

I now practice self-love.

Self-Validation

I’m manipulative. Not in a Disney villainess kind of a way, more of a desperate-to-survive kind of a way. Growing up, I wasn’t taught to validate myself. I was taught that validation came from others and the only way to boost my self-esteem was to behave in ways that would please others so they would reward me with validation.

Being Manipulative

The method of manipulation that I employed the most to get validation was people-pleasing. I gave endlessly of myself, slaving away in service of the needs of others while neglecting my own needs. I put thoughts about others ahead of thoughts about myself. I behaved in ways that would earn me positive feedback from others, even from people I didn’t want in my life. I gave compliments and accolades that I didn’t really mean in the hope that people would treat me well, even if past experience told me that those people would treat me poorly. I played nice when in fact I didn’t want to play with those people at all. I believed I had no choice. I was told that this is how it works, and I knew of no other way to be.

My self-esteem is based on how I perceive myself, and because I kept perceiving myself through the eyes of others I took on others’ perceptions of me as my own. I surrounded myself with others who perceived me as inferior and so I also perceived myself as inferior.

Changing Perspectives

I don’t view the word “manipulate” with negativity. In fact the concept of manipulation raises mostly neutral feelings in me. I manipulate a pencil to create a drawing. I manipulate a piece of clay to make a pot. I manipulate a crochet hook to make a blanket. My understanding of the word “manipulate” is simply employing a tool in a creative way.

Manipulation as a behaviour isn’t inherently bad. It’s just gotten a bad rep because it’s so often used incorrectly: to exploit others. Manipulating others is dehumanising. It implies that to the manipulator; others are just tools. I value myself and others. I don’t want to dehumanise either of us.

I welcome home my manipulation monster. Rest now, sweet girl. I’ve got you. We’re gonna love ourselves together - yes indeed - and heal.

It is my own code of conduct that defines how I choose to use manipulation; on others or in myself. Manipulation can be a useful and effective catalyst for positive change in myself. When used in myself, manipulation is a valuable tool for personal development. Using it on others just sucks. It sucks for me and sucks for others.

I have concluded:

Exploiting others is an inappropriate use of manipulation.

Supporting my growth with self-manipulation is an appropriate use of the behaviour.

Self-Manipulation is My Therapy

Wednesday I woke up in a world in which nothing was right. There was too much external stimulus. There were too many racing thoughts, wild emotions and bothersome physical sensations.

I just. couldn’t. even.

And I really did work on coming out of this aggravated space of mind. I did. I meditated and listened to nice music and stretched and danced. I ate and showered and made myself up nice, but while I felt and looked good on the outside I still felt crappy inside. I looked at social media for an ego boost but left feeling much the same way I’d arrived; hollow and hungry for attention and approval. Every way I turned to seek good feelings about myself; I found my Being saying, You’re not going to find what you’re looking for here, and; Nope, it’s not here either and; Cath, Cath, Cath, time-sucks don’t feed your soul, you know this already.

I sat at the dining table to work on my therapy lists and wrestled like mad with myself to recognise the emotions I was feeling. I was busy struggling to write on my Gratitude List without feeling like I was offering gratitude with a want attached to it when the tears of frustration started to fall. I just felt so shit about myself, and I couldn’t fathom what had triggered this attack of low self-esteem.

I looked at myself in the hand mirror I keep on my dining table for talking to myself in and I said, “Oh girl, you’re okay… Everything’s okay… You’re wonderful and loving and lovable and kind and you deserve to have people who love you. We’ll get there. This is a big transformational period in your life. You’re changing and change can be difficult and painful. You’re doing a marvellous job, though! You haven’t even considered quitting. You haven’t even considered that you’re not worth the effort. That’s a phenomenal amount of self-esteem that you’ve already managed to achieve in a short period of time. You’re an extraordinary woman. You don’t need anyone else to tell you that because you know it’s true.”

And then I had an epiphany.

The turmoil I was experiencing was withdrawal.

I have been working these past few months to shift my self-esteem from being based in others’ perceptions of me to being based in my own perceptions of me and I was slap-bang halfway there. I was hankering after validation but in my solitude I had no-one to people-please and manipulate a hit of validation out of.

I realised that I can, and must;

self-validate.

My self-esteem may no longer be

dependent on others.

Thy Will be done.

Tears of Relief

I cried in apology to myself because I realised I’d forgotten that morning that my higher power’s always with me, working in me, so I need not fear anything and I need not feel alone with my struggles anymore. I discovered I was joyful and celebrating, too, and this came out as a laughing cry which I had with myself in the mirror accompanied by half a pack of tissues. Genuine gratitude welled up in me and I couldn’t resist holding my arms out, mirroring Big Jesus on his Little Volcano on the other side of island where I can see him from my place at the table. I sat there with a goofy grin on my face and savoured the moment, enjoying my lovely self and my place in the world.

And then I wrote a page of self-affirmations and felt and knew and meant every single one. I had no doubt when I wrote I am capable of effecting positive change in my life. I felt no remorse when I wrote I am lovable and deserving of love and if I perceive another’s behaviour as unloving I turn them away from me. I felt no shame when I wrote I have a beautiful body and face and I love, enjoy and celebrate my physical form.

I have no fear of recrimination from others in response to the self-affirmed behaviours that will spring from these self-affirmations, because I’m not overly attached to others’ perceptions of me anymore.

Because I’m making progress.

This positive change in myself; discovering that I am making progress towards my goal of not needing external validation is a result of self-manipulation. It’s a result of all the therapy work I’ve been doing on myself, and it’s a result of practicing surrender: acknowledging that I am powerless and need moment-to-moment help and guidance from my higher powers...

I am made of the stuff of stars, and I am beautifully, blessedly, blissfully powerless.

An Online Self-Love Theme Park

When I decided to set up my website, this website, to give myself a place to share my self-love journey, I looked into buying the domain catherine dot com. The broker said the domain owners would accept an offer in the low six figures. I was delighted to discover that my name is so valuable, but went in search of a more affordable plot to grow my garden in.

I found that iloveyoucatherine.com was available. Instead of snapping it up, I stepped back to have a thorough think about it. I recognised the self-manipulation value for my self-esteem of typing and seeing the words, “I love you Catherine” every time I access my website, but making others type those words and look at those words…

I wrestled with the morality of doing such a thing. Was I manipulating validation out of others? Was I trying to force and manipulate others into loving me? I quickly grew frustrated with braining it and handed it over to my Being to take into the noosphere and discuss the matter with other beings and my higher power.

The answers that I got from the higher powers were encouraging. Yes, I may create an online self-love theme park for myself. Yes, I may love myself in such an audacious manner. Yes, I may necessitate that others see and write the words “I love you Catherine” when entering my online domain because it’s my domain, under my administration and I make the rules (after running them by my higher powers). If I decide that the entrance fee to my online universe is to love me or leave I am allowed to require that fee.

And it is a rule for my life in general: If another wants to be in my world they must love me or leave. I only accept into my life others who are capable of loving me as I deserve to be loved.

iloveyoucatherine.com is a daily reminder to love myself first. I can only truly love others if I truly love myself.

Welcome to iloveyoucatherine.com

Your perceptions of yourself are your own.

My perceptions of myself are my own.

Our perceptions of each other are based in our own self-esteem

and therefore; our perceptions of each other are our own to own.

Take what serves you, leave what doesn’t.

And when you leave,

I hope you feel inspired to practice loving your whole self too.

_____________________________

We are equal:

We all deserve love.

We all deserve to love ourselves.

_____________________________

Welcome and Goodbye

I am not forcing anyone to visit my site or to remain on my site; others are welcome to enter and exit at will, with or without engaging.

I am not forcing anyone to come into my life or even remain in my life; others are welcome to approach me and if I decide to give them a chance then they are welcome to engage with me. If at any point one or both of us decide/s the relationship is over, we may each exit at will without rebukes, repercussions or remonstrations from me.

With the permission of my higher power I am creating a self-love empire for myself. My hope is to integrate my self-love learnings from my therapy, my twelve-step program and my curiosity into blog posts, colouring page designs, self-development worksheets and realism art pieces that I offer here on my website as mental health merch in my store. All of this creativity is my way of integrating my learnings into myself, and I figured I might as well create further value for myself with it by sharing it with others:

The 12th step of every 12-step program is based on the premise; “We can only keep what we have by giving it away.”

While the theme of Catherine’s self-love theme park is Catherine loving herself and my primary aim is to love myself with it; the secondary aim of iloveyoucatherine.com is to inspire others to love themselves too; by showing others that practicing self-love is not just allowable, it’s healthy, beneficial and a heck of a lot of fun. (And profitable too; Insha’Allah)

Others can offer me validation as and when they choose to do so. I will enjoy external validation, but I may no longer rely on it. I now practice the beautiful art of self-validation, Masha’Allah.

I am lovable.

Self-Validation