Potential Perspectives
Hello! My name is Catherine and I am a recovering codependent.
Codependency is an acquired mental health disorder, based on social conditioning and upbringing.
At its core, codependency means that I don’t didn’t love myself. I was not taught to love myself. Instead I was taught that to give all of myself to others made me a good person, and keeping myself to myself made me a bad person.
I was taught that self-love is shameful; by people who themselves had been shamed into not loving themselves by their own social conditioning and upbringing.
I’ve had enough. By not loving myself I have treated myself and others badly.
No more.
I now practice self-love.
Potential Perspectives
I believe I am the universe expressing and experiencing itself.
I believe God has a sense of humour.
I believe All is playing.
I like playing too…
Colour
I have some level of synesthesia. An example of this is that in my mind I see numbers and letters as each having their own colour.
Below is how the numbers and the alphabet are often coloured for me. The colours change in my mind - gradually over time for numbers and fairly frequently for letters. In general the early letters are in saturated primary colours, the middle contains some pastels and the end of the alphabet is fairly random with Xx and Zz appearing most often as black.
My limited understanding of mathematics is that everything ultimately returns to zero, and zero is always pure white for me.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Aa Bb Cc Dd Ee Ff Gg Hh Ii Jj
Kk Ll Mm Nn Oo Pp Qq Rr Ss
Tt Uu Vv Ww Xx Yy Zz
Sometimes the colours only appear for a limited time before they change. So for me, a mobile phone number might look something like the examples below:
+356 2145 1342
+356 2145 1342
+356 2145 1342
Sometimes the colours change according to the context in which they appear, as is the case with the addresses below. Often, each word or series of numbers has its own colour, occasionally with a few of the letters or numbers in a different colour. I don’t know why exactly; there appears to be no reason or rhyme - sometimes my mood influences the changes, sometimes it’s the context that does so.
I’ve come to accept that my brain just imagines written language in technicolour:
9 Triq Bieb l-Imdina
Ir-Rabat
Victoria
VCT2551
→ >>>
5821 Tafelberg Rd
Cape Town
Western Cape
8001
Email addresses are interesting. Quite often they appear as a gradient:
Emotive words appear in colours that I associate with the emotion being evoked, and can change according to the context in which the word is being used:
Rhyme
I’ve loved poetry since I was a wee lass. I’ve also been drawn to spirals since I was a kid. In poetry, I like when not only do the words rhyme - I like when the meaning is repeated, yet slightly altered, throughout the piece until the conclusion of the piece echoes the initial sentiment in a way that regenerates the spiral of thought I’d created in my mind.
The kind of storytelling that I am most attracted to has an arboreal nature: like a tree dropping its leaves each autumn to fertilise its own flush of new leaves in the spring; the poet or artist drops meaning in each verse or art work that fertilises and nurtures the next iteration, stimulating my memory to return to the start; where it all began: The End.
I am among those who think that trees are some of God’s most beautiful artworks.
To me, the most satisfying pieces of storytelling, whether they be a film, book, poem or art work, remind me of a spiral that has grown and shrunk and has completed itself by finishing up right where it began: at the end: at zero.
I enjoy contorting my brain so that it will accept thinking in the the fourth dimension - which grows in my mind from the seeds which were planted by the artist and nurtured by my own yearning and desire to respond, even if only in spirit.
I believe this ever-changing, ever-emerging perception is an evolving understanding of self and other that emerges from and transcends the system of artistic cues that stimulated it - in much the same way that I believe my spirit emerges from and transcends the system that created it; my own physical form (which includes my brain and therefore my thinking).
I believe the entity formed by my response to the spirit of the creative work accompanies me in the aftermath of experiencing the artistic work, and as my understanding and perception of the initial stimulus (the creator and their creation both) evolves, the nature of the emergent entity evolves with me, each of us nourishing ourselves and the other through season after season of growing self-awareness and self-perception.
What I especially love about poetry is that I can apply its concepts to my life. Deja vu is a fun game that my higher power and I play; rhyming present moments with previously occurred present moments and manifesting the next line in the rhyme. Themes that I conceived of many years prior and which I cultivated in my personal expressions over time later enter my world from external sources and blossom; reflecting my own themes back at me.
Sounds a little mad? That’s because all the best things in life have a sliver of bonkers in them.
I was raised on a diet of stories being told through repeated and echoed themes in music and art and so I developed a taste for this style of personal expression and communication. I most enjoy culture creators - musicians, writers and artists - who use recurring themes; telling stories poetically throughout their lifetimes; rhyming with themselves, planting seeds of creative potential that flourish and blossom and then return to the source, the ground zero, from whence they came; a dance or game of creation that stimulates more creation.
I believe self-actualisation is not some kind of stopping point but rather the creation of creative potential.
I believe the universe is laughing.
My desire to control the world in order to feel safe is fading. I don’t know when or where or how I am going and I’m okay with that. I organise my hopes and express them as appropriately as I am able to in that moment, wait for messages to bloom in my world and be willing to accept any outcome. I’m okay with making mistakes; I know that All is as it is meant to be, so there are only happy accidents.
The word “plan” is increasingly only appearing in my prayers; send me signs and symbols so that I may know when and how to move the body and make the right mouth sounds to best serve the Divine Plan.
There’s a lightheartedness that comes from letting go of my desire to control, and a freedom of spirit that comes from detaching, with as much love and grace as I can muster in the moment, from people whose own desire to control has overcome them, along with detaching from the self that I became in that relationship - someone who reactively desired to control the world in order to feel safe.
In surrendering my will, I am carrying less emotional baggage. Now I ask the Universe, how much luggage shall I carry or stow so that I may best enjoy my time.
Accepting - no… realising; manifesting the Universe as being out of my control places me exactly where and when and how I need to be; blessedly and blissfully out of control and powerless and in synchronicity with All's Will for me.
As I believe I am meant to be…
