I love you All
Hello! My name is Catherine and I am a recovering codependent.
Codependency is an acquired mental health disorder, based on social conditioning and upbringing.
At its core, codependency means that I don’t didn’t love myself. I was taught not to. Instead I was taught that to give of myself to others made me a good person, and keeping myself to myself made me a bad person.
I was taught that self-love is shameful; by people who themselves had been shamed not to love themselves.
I’ve had enough. By not loving myself I have treated myself and others badly. No more.
I now practice self-love.
I love you All
I’ve adopted the Maltese siesta. At 14:55 an alarm goes off on my phone, I put away whatever I was doing and I lay on my couch or bed for a bit. I practice my calming breathing, count my blessings, offer my gratitude and repeat my mantra; All is as it is meant to be. I love you Catherine. Most days I’m able to nap but some days I’ll just savour the feeling of being in my own spirit, in my own body, in my own mind. It’s an amazing, intriguing experience being me and I enjoy simply savouring myself.
Just occasionally I’ll be having a difficult day and my mind won’t shut up about how I have better things to do like panicking, losing my shit or slipping down that slimy slope of self-hatred into the swamp of low self-esteem.
Today, unfortunately, was one of those difficult days. I’d attended an online meeting for recovering codependents first thing and it had triggered a lot of anxiety and anger towards myself which I was really struggling to shake off. I’m also PMSing on hard today because my body didn’t come with an easy PMS option. My parents opted for the Winning Personality with Beautiful Eyes model but neglected to read the small print which reads: alarmingly intense and not boundary-enabled, and below that in even smaller print; unable to discern between healthy and unhealthy relationship partners.
There I was, lying on my bed, wondering what wonders my brain will throw up for me with regards to my insistence that I figure out a behaviour modification method for myself to kick the habit of measuring both myself and others because these habits of comparing and judging just have to go and all the while my subconscious mind was like, “Do you have a moment to discuss the fact that you hate yourself? Just a moment or two though, because we’ll need plenty of time to really chew all the old bones of all the times that you allowed others to mistreat you because you loved them but hated yourself” while my conscious mind was like, All is as it is - shut up - All is as it is - Oh my God would you stop - All is as it is meant to be - fuck if you recall how harshly you judged yourself for going to Maypole for chilli corn chips ONE MORE TIME I’M GOING TO TURN THIS CAR AROUND - I love you Catherine.”
So yeah… There was no napping for me today.
I’d brought a cup of cocoa and my Jibble speaker into my bedroom with me because I’d had a sense that I’d need some self-soothing instead of trying to force a nap. I pressed shuffle on my playlist Meditation Movement Music, intending to stretch on the bed, but found myself completely enraptured by Daft Punk’s Solar Sailer:
A Future Love
My future self tapped into my mind then, through that piece of music. She was laughing and she said, I remember you. I remember being this fucked up. It’s okay, girl. You’re okay.
You are so loved, even then, even now.
You are so loved. I love you.
I had a sensation then, of being touched gently, lovingly and appreciatively. I had a future memory of being kissed with generosity and joy, embraced with protectiveness and gratitude and loved in ways that soothed, stirred and seduced my soul. I was being loved for being me, in a manner that honoured me and raised me up, away from any slippery slopes and swampy shorelines.
I had done that for myself - I’d given myself permission to be loved by my mate - as an act of self-love.
I sensed my love for myself as a calm and still pool, already filling within myself in the present, but brimming close to overflowing in my future self. I realised that the only thing standing between my present self and that future self, who maintains a happy, healthy relationship with herself and with her mate, is my life-long belief that I am not allowed to love myself. I am not allowed to be loved.
I allow myself to be loved.
I accept that I am lovable.
I love myself as I am.
I found myself admiring myself in the present. I admired my audacity for rebelling against social norms and talking about my emotional shit publicly. I admired my determination to be as honest as I may while still honouring those involved with my story. I admired my courage to write about the parts of myself that make me, and others, uncomfortable; the vulnerable parts that would be safer and easier to simply hide away.
I’m learning to love myself and I love, respect and admire myself for my efforts and achievements.
Lying there in my bed, I felt - I knew - that I am being surrounded by and supported by people who are really working on themselves. I sensed my fellow recovering codependents, all over the world, all of us wrestling with ourselves, all of us looking forward to the day that we experience a greater sense of worthiness and belonging.
I felt grateful to All, my higher power; aka the universe, for giving me the opportunity to walk such an interesting path. I felt grateful that while my path is chosen for me and I have no control over my destiny; I do get to choose my experience through self-acceptance, self-modification and self-love.
Writer’s Itch
I can feel when I have a blog post brewing in me. I get this full-of-beans feeling in my body. It shimmers in my torso like heatwaves on hot sand. At first I’m joyful because it feels good. My mind starts rapping about things I could say, interesting words I could use, turns of phrase that I might amuse myself with. As it builds, I start to become agitated and uncomfortable, like; when’s it coming, let it come, I can’t stand this, what is it, what will it be? The anticipation starts to distract me from… everything. I start spacing out, I focus on too many tasks all at once; I’m making a cuppa and making myself supper and scribbling in my therapy book and adding songs to playlists and folding laundry and opening doors and wondering why I came into this room, oh yes, hand cream and it all gets old pretty quickly.
On my previous blog, which survived only a few weeks, a few times I made the mistake of trying to write a post before I was ready. I wound up abandoning those early attempts when the post that tells my real truth emerged from me, so now on I love you Catherine I wait until I know that it’s ready; I can feel that it’s all there in me, just waiting for me to press the keys on my laptop in the right order to bring it out of myself and into the world.
If it doesn’t flow, it goes.
The next track that started to play was All is Love is All by Dub Sutra:
I knew then that the title of this post would be I love you All. I knew what I would say, and how I would say it. I knew that what I would write would reach out across space and time and touch you gently, lovingly and appreciatively. I knew I’d be able to convey my love, my gratitude and my admiration for us both.
All is love. Love is All.
You are so loved.
Even now, even then.
Siesta attempt abandoned
I stood up, made my bed and then sat down and stood up, put on my Crocs and sat down and said, “Look at you loving yourself so much that you can’t even think straight!”
A beautiful laugh bubbled up my spine, through my chest and out through my throat and I allowed it to raise my face skywards, to lift my arms up and outwards and then back down again in one smooth, swan-like motion; ending with joyful, laughing tears and a self-hug. All in the space of a single, long breath.
I felt so beautiful.
My love for myself feels so beautiful.
I love you All, for honouring me with such a wonderful purpose; to love myself.
I love you All, for witnessing me.
I love you All for allowing me this:
I love you Catherine.
This is only my fourth blog post on I love you Catherine and yet the feedback I have received from my readers has been overwhelmingly appreciative, supportive and encouraging. I caught my self-doubt monster examining herself in the mirror today. She’s looking better; she’s got some flesh on her bones now and her colour’s returning.
She’s turned a corner thanks to you; my small-but-growing group of fellow self-lovers that are choosing to journey beside me. Your love and support encourage me along my journey of self-discovery, self-ownership and self-love. Your appreciation of my writing soothes my self-doubt monster and allows my Confidence Diva to grow.
I see you. I see your efforts to love yourself better. I admire you. I respect you. I appreciate you. I acknowledge your determination, your courage, your tenacity of spirit.
I am grateful for your input. Thank you for witnessing me.
I love you all.
